Undead and Unburied

I enjoy a good conspiracy theory as much as the next person…that we know about.

When I was only in middle school, I wrote a paper about all the holes in the Warren Commission Report and how the real perpetrators of the Kennedy assassination were being investigated by New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison. (My report was later adapted for Oliver Stone’s film, JFK.*)

I’ll pretty much believe anything you tell me about the CIA or secret files kept by J. Edgar Hoover in his panty drawer. The Freemasons as religious zealots protecting the Ark of the Covenant? Why not? A hidden message in the Mona Lisa with the location of an alien spaceship?** General Motors destroying the invention of self-perpetuating energy in 1926? The moon landing filmed on a backlot in Hollywood?

Well, maybe not the last one.***

But all that stuff doesn’t directly affect us here in Stamford. The approaching zombie apocalypse does.

You may have missed this news, but it’s only because you haven’t been reading between the lines. First there was that series of cannibalistic incidents that occurred in Canada, China, Washington, New Jersey and, most notably, in Florida, where a naked person chewed another person’s face off. This last event happened in broad daylight at about 2pm, which surprised many Miami residents who thought they had to wait until 4:30 for dinner.

The point is that these incidents compelled the Centers for Disease Control to issue the following statement:

"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)."

We all know what it means when a government agency officially "denies" something, right? Just the fact that the CDC felt the need to issue the statement at all is revealing. And note the careful wording: they don’t know of a "virus or condition." And they’ve avoided mentioning at all the real cause of zombieism which is, of course, voodoo curses.

And do we think it was just a coincidence that CDC headquarters was the location of the climactic Season 1 Finale of The Walking Dead? And if there are no zombies, why does the CDC’s own website have a page on "Zombie Preparedness?" Sure, they say it’s "tongue in cheek," but isn’t that just code for "tongue in mouth and chew carefully?"

But let’s say I believe that the Centers for Disease Control are (is?) just having a little fun with the public, because we all know what wild and crazy guys those folks at the CDC are. (And, really, don’t we want the people who hold in their possession every known humanity-ending disease to let loose once in awhile?)

I’d still have to explain this headline in The Huffington Post:

Zombie Apocalypse Training: HALO Corp. To Train Military, Law Enforcement On Virus Outbreak

Sure, one way to explain it is by pointing out that it is, in fact, in The Huffington Post. But it turns out that the military is not kidding around like those jokesters at the CDC:

"Security firm HALO Corp. announced yesterday that about 1,000 military personnel, police officials, medical experts and federal workers will learn the ins and outs of a zombie apocalypse, as part of an annual counter-terrorism summit, according to the Military Times."

Well, first, "HALO Corp.?" Really? If that’s not a corporate name straight out of a movie coproduced by James Cameron and J.J. Abrams I don’t know what is. According to its website…

"The HALO Corporation is a California based organization founded by former Special Operations, National Security, and Intelligence personnel."

Could anything be more sinister-sounding than that? And why is "HALO" in all capital letters? Doesn’t that mean it’s an acronym? Yet the company’s website doesn’t say what it stands for. Something tells me it’s not the Have A Laugh Organization.

The HuffPost article is careful to say that the zombie training course is "only a small part of the summit’s more serious course load." Yeah, sure.

• 900 hours: Morning session: zombie apocalypse.
• 1200 hours: Lunch. (Choice of quiche or Cobb salad)
• 1300 hours: Afternoon session: alien invasion.
• 1600 hours: Tea on the veranda

Look, what with Mayan predictions, approaching asteroids, which new TV shows to DVR and Paul Ryan, I have enough to worry about. I’d really like to be able to be unconcerned about the undead invading our new home town and making a mess of downtown Stamford, dripping entrails all over Bedford Street and making it dangerous to get my 16 Handles fix of delicious frozen yogurt and about eight pounds of toppings.

But the government ought to know by now that whenever it gets the slightest bit mysterious about something, all kinds of lunatic theories are going to spread like flesh-eating bacteria escaping from secret CIA laboratories. They really need to be much more transparent about everything.

And speaking of transparent, wait till I tell you who was really in that chair Clint Eastwood was talking to…

*The part about the report is absolutely true (I got an A++++). The part about the movie, not so much.

**How the heck did da Vinci know about Area 51?

***It was filmed at Silvercup Studios in Astoria, Queens.

For more on our adventures as first-time homeowners at age 57, and moving to Stamford, visit http://theupsizers.wordpress.com/