The Hazards of Living in Stamford

When you move to a new community, it’s a good idea to get involved with local traditions and celebrations. So I was really excited about this past weekend, because, according to the huge banner that was on Washington Boulevard, Saturday was is Stamford’s annual Household Hazardous Waste Day!

Judging from this banner, which looked like it might have been left behind by the recently-departed Big Apple Circus, you’d have thought Hazardous Waste Day was one of Stamford’s major joyous holidays.

I was picturing the parade... people dressed in festive muriatic acid costumes; the massive floats made entirely from old batteries; the marching aerosol cans. The parade route would be marked off by a wide stripe of oil-based paints and primers, all the way to the end point at , where popular local rock bands such as the Cesspool Cleaners would entertain the crowds for free. The highlight of the afternoon would be the traditional touch football game between those arch rivals, the Solvents and the Sealants.

I sure hope everybody had a great time. I would have attended, except on Friday I visited Stamford’s Hazardous Materials Recycling web page, and so during the festivities, I was cowering under my bed.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of "hazardous materials," I think of oozing plutonium rods, envelopes filled with anthrax and scary people in orange hazmat suits. You know, materials with half-lifes.

I don’t think of Easy-Off Oven Cleaner and anal thermometers. I don’t think of stuff in my house.

According to the list of hazardous materials on Stamford’s website, we should all be glowing like neon signs and then exploding into small individual mushroom clouds. The list has stuff like antifreeze and insect repellent and moth balls. During the summer, my wife sprays on insect repellent just to go out for the mail, and now I’m learning it’s hazardous? Sure, to insects. But to humans?

Look, I’m all for recycling and I’m all against hazardous materials. I truly hope that Stamford’s Hazardous Waste Day was a big success, and that Scalzi Park was inundated with revelers dropping off their dangerous stuff.

But there was no way I was going near the place!

For more on our adventures as first-time homeowners at age 57, and moving to Stamford, click here.