Please Rain on Our Parade

Today’s post will cover the burning question that is facing our area these days: Why is there no Jew Day Parade in New York City?

I mean, just about every other ethnic and religious group gets a shot at tying up traffic, so why shouldn’t Jews? There are parades for Puerto Ricans, Brazilians, Caribbeans, Koreans, Chinese, Norwegians, Irish, Cubans, Greeks, Sikhs, Turks, Haitians, Indians, Pakistanis, West Indians, Muslims, Mexicans, Hispanics, Hare Krishnas, Nigerians, Phillippinos, Germans, Poles, Dominicans, Persians and Mermaids.

There is a parade that is for queens, and in Queens. There is a Good Neighbor Parade, and a Gay Pride Parade (now called the Heritage of Pride Parade), a Christian Youth Parade, and a Children’s Evangelical Parade with "50 floats, marching bands, and displays of biblical passages." You do not want to miss that one if your idea of entertainment is cheering the 23rd Psalm Float as it goes down Third Avenue. Let’s hear some applause for the valley of the shadow of death! Yea!

There is a Global Marijuana March where, after the parade, everyone consumes lots of snack foods. There is even a parade for people from Easter Island where everyone wears elaborate and colorful headgear.

But no Jew Day Parade.

Now, true, there is a Salute to Israel Parade (in fact, it’s Sunday), but that’s not the same thing as a Jew Parade. That’s in celebration of a country, not a culture that is as tied to Europe as to the Middle East. And besides, it’s perfectly possible to be Jewish and yet not support Israel which, if we’re being honest, has not pursued the most consistently rational policies over the years.

So where is our Jew Day Parade?

Well, it turns out we’ve had one all along: the Columbus Day Parade. Because scholars are now telling us that Christopher Columbus was secretly Jewish. In fact, according to this new research, his voyages weren’t even funded by Queen Isabella; they were paid for by two Jews, Louis de Santangel and Gabriel Sanchez.

Not only that, but the real purpose of his voyages was to find a new homeland for Jews that were being persecuted in Spain. So any of those places he discovered could have been Israel, except that it would be weird for the Jewish homeland to be called something like Santa Maria de Guadalupe.

But think of the possibilities. The Dominican Republic could be the Dreydl Republic! And Cuba! We could have had Cuba! Wouldn’t it have made way more sense to have a Jewish homeland surrounded by water instead of Arabs? And so close to Florida!

The scholars haven’t told us why Columberg didn’t carry out his plan; perhaps he thought all the islands he was discovering were too rich in natural resources to be good Jewish homelands. He knew if he kept looking, he’d find one that had neither sugar nor tobacco, a barren island whose only export would be something like newts.

Meanwhile, I have two thoughts on the matter:

1. Isn’t it wonderful how "Jew" rhymes with "fourteen hundred and ninety-two" and "ocean blue?"
2. When is Jerry Seinfeld going to be Grand Marshall of the Columbus Day Parade?

For more on our adventures as first-time homeowners at age 57, and moving to Stamford, visit http://theupsizers.wordpress.com/