From the world of sports comes this news:
A Canadian woman named Jolene Van Vugt has set a new Guiness Book of World Records speed record. For a motorized toilet. She topped out at 46.6 miles per hour in Syndey, Australia. This is approximately 20 miles per hour faster than the average motorist achieves in a car in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.
Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly news from the world of sports. I’m not sure what world it’s from. Maybe a world in another solar system.
Anyway, it raises a number of important questions:
1. Why is there a world speed record for a motorized toilet bowl? Can you just stick a motor on any old thing and set a record and get into the Guiness book? I’m thinking I might be able to hit 35 mph on my barbecue grill.
2. Is it redundant to say that the holder of the world speed record for a motorized toilet bowl is Canadian?
3. Why did she have to go to Australia to set the record? Does Canada have a speed limit for motorized toilet bowls? If she had attempted to break the record in, say, Saskatchewan, might she have been pulled over by a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, perhaps one mounted on a bidet?
4. Did she have to go while she was going? I think that should be a requirement for setting a speed record on anything that is not intended to be mobile. You have to also use the object for its original purpose while in motion. In this case, not only would that give an interesting double meaning to the word "movement," it would also affect the speed one could attain because the necessary addition of toilet paper would create wind resistance.
5. Finally the most important question of all: where can I get one of them motorized toilet bowls? I mean, how awesome would that be? You could zip around the mall like those daredevils in their Jazzy® scooters, endangering the other patrons and crashing into oblivious shoppers who were walking and texting, yet you’d never have to venture into a public restroom!
I think I’d even trade in my four-wheel drive refrigerator for one of those!