Spam I Am

I’m thinking that one of my new year’s resolutions for 2014 will be to keep an eye out for exciting new opportunities. So I decided to leave my spam filter off for a few days because I know that receiving unsolicited e-mail is the most efficient way to have exciting opportunities just drop right into your lap.

And, boy, was I not disappointed.

For one thing, I was very pleasantly surprised by the number of job offers I received. I’d love to know why the unemployment rate is still so high when there is such an incredibly urgent demand for secret shoppers. And if I don’t feel like working, all I have to do is make a few million dollars from all the insider stock tips I’m getting, especially the ones selling for 35¢ a share on which I can realize a "2200% GAIN!"

And when did Canada’s chief export become discounted drugs, eh? Considering the amount of Viagra and Cialis they sell, I’d expect it to be dangerous to stroll around Vancouver, what with all the, um, let’s say "prepared men" walking around. ("Hey, honey, let’s go into this store… ooof…pardon me, sir.")

Also, the FBI is looking for me. I’m holding in my hands a communication from Special Agent Jason Gale. I almost didn’t open the e-mail, because I was afraid maybe the Feds were after me for illicit correspondence with people selling fake Movado watches or, I don’t know, receiving insider stock tips. But it turns out it’s good news: they intercepted a box of money with my name on it at JFK Airport. The bad news is that "you are required to reply back within 72 hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering," This is unfortunate indeed, as I’ve been collecting my spam for a few days, and the deadline has passed. I guess they’ll just have to keep my box of money. Maybe they can store it with all the packages Fedex and UPS are holding for me.

While I’m waiting for G-men to knock at my door, I have plenty of friend invitations and chat requests to keep me busy, not to mention all the young girls who want to share their photographs with me. (They must think I’m an agent for models or something.) Dr. Oz is trying to reach me, too, because he’s finally got a way for me to shed my extra pounds.

I’m also considering the purchase of handmade Amish furniture although, frankly, I was shocked to discover that the "simple people" are using e-mail now. Unfortunately, it appears that I may not be able to buy any furniture in the near future, because it seems that I have possibly been a victim of credit fraud. Someone will check for me, as soon as I provide my account numbers.

Look, I get the business model of spammers. It costs virtually nothing and takes virtually no work to send millions of spams, so even if you get just one person to respond, you’re ahead of the game.

What I want to know is: who the hell is that one person? I mean, even if you only glance at the "From" line quickly and think you are actually getting e-mail from Jimmy Kimmel or David Letterman and not "Jimmy Kimble" or "David Latterman," wouldn’t you stop and wonder for a moment why a popular late night talk show host is writing to you about closet organizers?

Do you really have to read this just because the subject line says "Read This"? If the subject line says only "The Best," are you really that overcome with curiosity that you just have to open it to find out the best what (and how, then, do you react to the subject line that says "very good")? Are you sitting there right now watching cute kitten videos and thinking "if only I can get my hands on 250 free business cards" and then, like divine intervention, just such an opportunity arrives in your in-box? When you see a subject line like "Lån och jobberbjudande" (one I actually received), are you compelled to learn a new language just so you can read it, assuming you even know what language it is?

I think there’s a reality TV show idea in here somewhere: "Idiots Who Respond to Spam."

In any case, I’m pleased to report that, at least based on this few days’ sampling, the economic and political uncertainty in Nigeria has been resolved.